So, it will come as no surprise to you that I've got some issues with Strictly this week, you guys. Unlike Bastard Wembley Week, they're not exactly issues with the entire fabric of the show, but they are issues with the hosting, the judging, the scoring... OK, they're with the ENTIRE FABRIC OF THE SHOW.
(I still love it though. I can't help it. It makes me so angry, but I love it still. I am very, very worried about what this says about me.)
Shall we press on?
Presenters and other stuff
I did not watch live, mercifully, so I have no idea whether Bruce had a good week or a bad week. There did seem to be one whole section which was interminable, even on uber-fast forward, so whether it was good or bad I'm guessing it was, you know, Bruce. In a shock twist, I did not mind Tess's dress, even if it was a bit bondage when you looked closely. Perhaps they had some leftover stuff in the wardrobe department after Kylie's lot had finished last week, though I find it hard to imagine there was any leather left IN THE WORLD after that ridiculously-costumed exercise in posery. Flawless were good. Didn't need the lady pros flailing around them, if I'm honest. And The Script can clear off. Oh - and why was Claudia wearing an overall? I don't get her sometimes, I really don't...
Dani and Vincent
YAY, Dani and Vincent! I knew I would love this, and I did. We seem to have entered some kind of bizarro-world here, though, where I actually agreed with the judges' comments. I KNOW. She does need to finish her lines more with her arms - they are very neat, but they are not very lovely, and even if you have very short arms (and she does, let's be honest, even relatively-speaking) but you can still shape and elongate, and she doesn't. Also, it was all a bit polite and clean and tidy, which after a while did get to me a little bit. But she is so brilliantly precise about everything, and they match their movements together so well - she is either a total natural at that or she watches him like a hawk during rehearsal, because it's not just him working to her movements (though I think he is a sympathetic partner, compared to some), it's definitely her too. Anyway, I loved it, and I have watched it again, and I can't say that about many dances in this series so far.
(Quick aside: I would have loved to have seen Alesha dance this routine. CAN YOU IMAGINE? Bruce would have done his nut. YOU'RE THE BRITISH BEYONCE! NO YOU ARE! NO! YOU! ARE!)
(Another quick aside: I thoroughly enjoyed watching Bruno mug a great big air kiss at Dani during the dance. Just as she turned her back. Perfect. Sit down, Bruno, you tart.)
Kimberley and Pasha
We've dealt with my issues about song repeat in my jaded Strictly preview, so let's just take that as read and move on, shall we? I thought this was fab. Kimbo gave it full attitude and they both looked unbelievably gorgeous (which obvs is basically their main weapon) and I thought the choreography was excellent, and Kimbo was doing some excellent exaggerated positioning that made it all look incredibly elegant. It looked a bit like it came out of a 90's pop video. Unbelievably, I mean that as a compliment. Again, though, I shockingly agreed with the judges - she has a floppy frame and I totally don't get where it came from, because she didn't have one during the VW (did she? am I getting that wrong?) so it must have been all about the Character of the Dance, but obviously that was a shame. Bit underscored though? Maybe? Not their week for a storyline, obviously (see below re Nicky and Karen).
Victoria and Brendan
Oh Pendletears. Obviously this was always going to be a disaster, and so it proved. Terrible outfit for her last week in the show (yeah, CHEERS FOR THAT, WARDROBE) and the dance was basically just one big shrug with a good lift or two. Having said which, I actually enjoyed it rather more than normal, probably because I was pretty sure by this point that her exit was a foregone conclusion, so I could actually unclench while watching her for a change. Bye, Pendletears. It wasn't quite the sobfest departure of your Olympics retirement, and for that I am grateful, but I won't be lining up to watch your next TV stint, sadly. And God knows, there'll be a few. I'll miss Brenda, though. I love watching him dance. Let's all watch this again to remind ourselves.
(Quick aside: can someone please stop Robbie Williams from writing lyrics? And by "writing lyrics" I think we all know I mean "writing down words that rhyme". Ring a ring of roses, whoever gets the closest, she comes and she goes, as the war of the roses. Yeah, ok. Thanks, Robbie.)
Louis and Flavia
Right, I'm officially over this now. Louis - PUT YOUR BLOODY BACK INTO IT. Flavia - DO BETTER CHOREOGRAPHY. These two should be streets ahead (by which I mean only just behind DVO) and it's just all so very blah. I honestly thought they might be bottom two this week - if it hadn't been for the obvious remaining cannon fodder, I think they might have had some trouble. He is better than this, and he's gone all petulant and moody and obviously wasn't entirely prepared for how much of his life it was going to take up and now it's all gone horribly wrong. I have a strong feeling that we ought to be building up to a breakthrough week here narratively, but apparently he's got the Charleston next week and that... does not bode well. Let's also just acknowledge that this was the single worst vocal rendition ever of Dirty Diana - that pallid cracked little falsetto creeping about above the band in no way helped the atmosphere. Poor form, show. Poor form.
Lisa and Robin
OK, you guys. This is where I get angry. I hate the rumba. I have always hated the rumba. I even hated the sainted Rachel/Vincent rumba, or I certainly did after I had seen it 85 times on different episodes of the show. But this - THIS WASN'T A BAD RUMBA. I mean, she struggled a bit with her control because she obviously doesn't have the strength through the core that someone like DVO has got, so there were a few wobbles and all that, and I am not the biggest fan of Robin's choreography this series, but it had some drama and some flair, and for a couple between whom you have no hope of seeing any romantic chemistry they cooked up an excellent storyline. And then the BLOODY JUDGES just had to bust out their crass patronising bullshit - it's just not your dance, sweetheart, not every dance suits everybody, my darling, you're better suited to the party dances, my love, but good effort. Do you know what? BUGGER OFF. You pushed Lisa into the Russell Grant corner in week bloody one, gave her endless dancy Latins in a row, encouraged her to see herself as a Latin party girl, and then she works incredibly hard to do something different, and you tell her it's not her dance? If it's not her dance, it's because YOU MADE IT SO, SHOW. UGH. Judges - you suck.
Michael and Natalie
Oh dear. Natalie writhes while Michael stands still and occasionally lifts her up. Not good. Natalie has been doing an amazing job of hiding Michael's shortcomings behind some neat footwork and some razzle dazzle. Unfortunately, the only razzle dazzle available in an Argentine Tango is for the lady - you can see that even in a Flav/Vince routine. She did her best, I'll give her that, but she'd have done better to go more basic and let Michael do more, unfortunately. I seriously can't believe Vaughan has made it to week 9 though. Bravo. But he's got to be toast next week, right? He hasn't done a Viennese Waltz yet, mind, so if he gets that, he might be in with a chance of week 10 if Nicky or Lisa has a wobble...
Nicky and Karen
Pretty good fun, this, and he was actually doing some Charleston swivelling, which might actually be a first this series, and which I thought was pretty impressive, and he had some lovely timing too. It was a little bit too manic for my tastes, and reminded me more of this than anything else, but I think it genuinely was the best he's been. Which was lucky for the show, because this was clearly his storylined breakthrough week. The 36 was an embarrassing overscore, but it would have been even more embarrassing if he hadn't at least made a good effort. Bottom two last week, best ever score this week... I'd call you predictable, show, but WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT?
Denise and James
Didn't like it. Blah blah lift, blah blah blah lift etc etc. I slightly hate myself for this continued reaction to them, because she is elegant and beautiful to watch (though I thought perhaps slightly less finished this week than in previous weeks? Maybe?) but I cannot get behind them, and it is James' fault. Everything about the way he gurns at the audience when Denise gets praised and he doesn't makes me want to punch him in his smug face. We cannot stop them getting to the final - even if there's no dance-off in the semi, if she's top of the leaderboard she's going get to get through - but we must not let them win, Britain. We must not. We shall not.
So, a strange week, really. Status quo preserved for a few of them. Lower scores for many. A pre-determined (but ultimately earned) bottom two bounce for Nicky. And all leaving me slightly underwhelmed and ready for them to get to two dances each in a couple of weeks so shit can get real... See you next week!
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