One day I will write a blog post about something other than Strictly. This is not that day.
Let's keep it punchy, though, you guys, because a) I hate Wembley Week and b) I'm still a tiny bit hungover from Saturday night, and I feel that might make me even more hate-filled than usual. Nobody wants a blog post full of bile. OR DO THEY??
General thoughts
It was better than last year's, ok? I will give it that. Bloating the cast with various showgirls and boys (oh hi, Aliona, welcome back I SUPPOSE) made it messy but at least it didn't look completely deserted. But the constant cuts to the high cameras were out of control - what the hell did they think we were going to see from up there? Lisa's nifty footwork (ha ha like there was any of that but I'll come to that later ha ha)? It's one thing to use it for Kimbo's pointless massive skirt, but the rest of the time all it was showing us was two dots moving around on a vast stage. Woeful. Oh, and the group dances were an ungodly mess. Oh, and how horrid to see Tess back to having to madly overact the straight man. Oh, and the band were even worse than normal.
Lisa and Robin
So it was some more of what they do. Campy, party dances where Lisa forgets the moves occasionally and doesn't finish any of her steps or lines properly but sells it all with hectic energy. Those splits made me feel a bit ill. Same old same old, retrodden again, and I'm afraid it was rather overscored. But we're getting to that point in the series where even if people aren't improving their scores are going up so that we can all MARVEL AT THE IMPROVEMENT. Sigh.
Nicky and Karen
OK, so here's a weird thing. I quite like Nicky now, you guys. There was absolutely jack all technique on show here in the jive because he's not actually terribly good, but I still really enjoyed it because at least he was finally going for it. I liked the choreography too, and that's the first time I've been able to say that about NotNicoleScherzinger. I am very surprised they ended up in the bottom two - have the WestLoifers all stopped watching? I don't want Nicky in the final, or even in the semi-final, but I will admit that he is finally winning me over. Maybe. A bit.
Denise and James
Oh God, I just can't do it. Was it technically good? Of course. Can she sell a dance? Of course. Did I still want it all just to STOP basically as soon as it started? You betcha. They leave me absolutely cold. As cold as stone. As cold as James Jordan's cruel, stony heart. (Nice to see Lee Mead turning up, mind. Does he need a new job or something?)
Louis and Flavia
I did not like it. Lovely Louis with his lovely ballroom lines doing a trotty quickstep in place of a smooth that could have been amazing and then doing some pommel horsing for no reason other than that it's Wembley Week (yet another reason to can Wembley Week were another reason needed). Even the lifty bits were boring. NO, Flavia. NO. It's not quite as unforgivable as the terrible Fist Lift of Doom, but still. NO.
Richard and Erin
What is there to say about this? He wore the worst trousers in the world and did a slightly lacklustre salsa while the world went to camp around him and through him and all over him. And the singer absolutely murdered Club Tropicana. It really shouldn't even be possible to sing this song this badly and he did it twice. Unforgivable. And so Richard's number is finally up and we can all stop wondering when it will be over and turn our attention to the next worst, whoever you think that might be *cough* Pendletears *cough*.
Victoria and Brendan
I knew I was going to love every moment of this from the moment that Brendan hubristically announced, "The beginning of this routine is going to bring the house down." Said beginning turned out to be Pendletears being perched uncomfortably on a bike on wires for about 10 seconds for no reason at all, followed by 20 seconds of Brendan madly caping (including a brilliant bit where he got the cape caught on his face) while they got her out of her harness. Then we got about 15 seconds of it all looking not too bad, but then came Paso-us Face-us Maximus, with a total lack of balance and rhythm and style, and it all just went to pot. Please stop voting for her, Britain. I'm pretty sure even she wants to go home now. And don't get me started on the bloody heart sign she keeps making with her fingers towards her boyfriend. Don't. JUST DON'T, OK?
Dani and Vincent
Yay, Dani and Vincent! I think it could have done with a bit more drama, to be honest - it was all a bit Pretty in Pink (though that would be an excellent one for them to do in Movie Week next year - oh, but who would the male dancer be? Blaine? Ducky? Both? SO TRICKY) and a teeny bit prancy, but I do like her ever so much and I love her lovely neat feet.
Kimbo and Pasha
I'm not absolutely convinced it was a samba, but it was still a better samba than Lisa's samba. Oh, and Pasha undid his shirt. A leaf out of the Artem playbook. AND WHY NOT? Bottom two rebound week for Kimbo, which meant again some overscoring, but if it means lovely Pasha sticks around a couple more weeks, I'm all for it.
(Quick aside: can someone please punch Len in the head repeatedly until he forgets all his stupid "catchphrases"? "Pickle me walnuts" wasn't funny the first time, but continuing to repeat it as though it's in some way become a classic... In short: SHUT UP LEN.)
Vaughan and Natalie
Massive gaps whenever they were in hold. Nearly dropped her in the final lift. Arse sticks out a mile. LOVED IT ANYWAY. Ain't no way Vaughan is winning this show, but he and Crazy Natalie are giving it a right good go, and I love them for it. This was the only dance of the night that in any way looked and felt like it belonged in a big arena, and that's all down to Crazy Natalie, which probably means they'll fire her next year because that's what they do to everyone I love and no I'm still not letting this go.
So there we have it. Bravo Vaughan. Welcome to the Artem Party, Pasha. Bye Richard. And please let next week be our final week of Pendletears. It's time, people. It's time. See you next week!
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