StrictlyChat, Week 6, in which we nearly lose Pasha and all of Surbiton therefore quakes at the prospect of my wrath

So we should just take my grief and rage as a given this week, right? Something we should also take as a given: I have not a leg to stand on because I didn’t vote. And now I’ll have to. Congratulations, BBC. You win. Something else we should take as a given: I will never predict the week’s bootee correctly. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying. Let’s get to it, shall we?

The Presenters
Blatantly, we should just have Claudia doing Tess’s job every week, right? I mean, that’s not even a question. But I had a sort of dark vision of what it would be like with Claudia going slightly off the rails and Bruce being off his meds and I realised you can only have Claudia being Tess if Tess is Bruce, and then I got into a spiral of depression because I don’t want Tess or Bruce and then I ended up in a happy fantasy world where we had GRAHAM NORTON AND CLAUDIA and then I realised that would never happen and then I got sad. Still, bravo BBC for finally realising that Saturday evening TV presenting doesn’t have to be Old Bloke Plus Totty. Bet that’s the only “bravo” the BBC got this week (TOPICAL!).

Denise and James
Paso week for this pair, and having cruelly taunted us with the idea that James was injured and we’d get a week of the delightful Ian Waite (they tantalised us with that little glimpse of him with Claudia! So cruel!), instead we got another week of Jordan. Ugh. The way I am getting through these dances now is that I have decided that Denise hates James. Seriously: watch the VT from the results show when he crows about their score and she briefly looks like she wants him dead. It’s AMAZING.  So although I keep hating Jordan, I can now like Denise, which is definitely helping. Anyway, this was a whizzy, speedy paso along the lines of every Jordan paso, and if it felt a wee bit mechanical… Well, that’s Denise and James for you. No use complaining to me, I didn’t hire them.

(Quick aside: I genuinely still have not got over the fact that of the winners of the first six series, we only have one winning pro left. Brendan. I am all for new-brooming up the place from time to time, but that’s five series-winning pros kicked unceremoniously off the show, never mind my beloved Ian. And I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: three of them (Lilia, Matt, Karen) were some of the best choreographers the show had, and it really, really shows. I’ll bang on at length about choreography one day. Bet you can’t wait.)

Richard and Erin
Charleston. OK. What can you say about the Charleston, really? Did they look like they were having fun? Yes. Was it pretty fun to watch and quite charming? Yes. Does Richard have epic dance faces? Yes, though I don’t need to see them in slow-mo in bloody Len’s Lens, thanks very much: I will tell you one more time, show, he is NOT RUSSELL BLOODY GRANT. If they fire him out of a bloody cannon next week, or anything remotely similar, I am going to punch someone right in the head. Arse bongos though, Erin? Really? Playing any part of the human body as a musical instrument is an automatic two points off from me – it’s an act of desperation up there with Artem stripping off, but far less aesthetically pleasing (see Hardy/Rhodes, Rihanoff/Calzaghe). So, not bad as far as it went, but not up there with any of the Charlestons I’ve actually enjoyed (there aren’t many, and weirdly Aliona is in two of them, and I HATE her choreography for basically every other dance. Strange. Also, they've only been doing the Charleston since series 7 - I can't believe they're already reusing the same songs - DO BETTER, SHOW.)

Louis and Flavia
This was really good. Cheesy, and HATED the swing (YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT, FLAVIA), but it was a really, really good waltz. With lots of lovely heel leads! So what the chuffing hell was up with the judges’ scrap? My inner conspiracy theorist suggests that Louis hasn’t been doing that well in the popular vote (I do think he’s struggling to put his personality across, to be honest. I mean, maybe he hasn’t got one, but I think he has, it’s just in hiding because that’s what you do when you’re a professional athlete, unless you’re Pendletears) and they needed to manufacture some drama to get people backing him. My other theory is that Craig was just being a dick. You decide.

(Quick aside: Louis has MASSIVE HANDS.)

Fern and Artem
I really liked this Salsa – major step up from last week and Fern basically finally looked like she was enjoying herself and was moving at a pace faster than a snail. Artem deployed the chest again. She wouldn’t have been my pick to go home, so obviously she went home. I can’t really bring myself to be sad about it, because she actually went home a week later than she should have, so really this is just another episode in the Strictly tradition of being saved by pity/lust one week only to be booted the following week when you’ve just got your best score (see Rihanoff/Salmon, Simone/Kendal, Jordan/Savage and many many more). I shall pine for Artem, though. I imagine we’ll get lots of lots of pro dances from him, though, which will help.

(Quick aside: Can we talk briefly about Brendan and Natalie dancing to Violin Dude? Firstly: why the hell was he playing The Rose? As I have said before, it’s one thing that Bette Midler refuses to sing anything other than this or Wind Beneath My Wings any more, but must the habit spread to illustrious Violin Dudes? Secondly, how WEIRD was the bit where Natalie suddenly went all pouty and winky at the camera? It’s meant to be romantic, Natalie, you odd-bod, not suddenly weirdly slutty. I did not like it one little bit.)

(And another quick aside: I love a Flav/Vince tango, don't get me wrong, but do you remember when this was the group dance in Remembrance Sunday week? I liked that better.)  

Victoria and Brendan
She looked vaguely competent this week doing the Quickstep, mainly because Brendan had her in a vice-like grip and wasn’t bloody letting go. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone so thoroughly carted around the floor since the dark days of Widdy.  VP – you are an amazing cyclist. You are beautiful to look at. But I feel quite strongly that you can’t dance and it’s time for you to go home. All indications are that the producers want to keep her around, however, even if the judges are barely concealing their snarls under their overly-kind comments these days. I bet she gets a waltz at Wembley. I BET.

(Quick aside: OH GOD WEMBLEY. Last year was an absolute travesty. Watching celebs and pros alike sprint around the floor and then do a tiny dance then sprint again and do a tiny dance again and then running half a mile to get to the judges where they were told nothing of value and all the bloody CANNONS and SAVAGE DOING THRUSTING, oh God, oh God. Thank God I’m out next weekend and can fast-forward through anything that looks too horrendous when I get back drunk at 2am.)

Dani and Vincent
Loved this Tango SO MUCH. I do still have some issues with Dani’s arms and top line, which I don’t think are strong enough, but this was so quick and intricate and fab, with amazing sharp head movements which almost no celeb can do, and also had loads of personality, which was the thing that was always entirely absent from his tangos with Rachel Stevens, however whippy the footwork was. It’s pretty clear Pasha and Kimberley aren’t now going to be contenders (SOB) so I might have to reassign myself to these two. I hope they don’t screw her over with a Wembley Samba. A nice floor-covering Quickstep, that’s what we want. She’ll do a lovely Quickstep.

Nicky and Karen
I’ve got a bit stuck into these two over the last couple of weeks (by which I mean all I have said is BORING and YAWN) and I completely stand by those two words. Improvement this week, though. It was a Foxtrot, but it looked more like an American Smooth without lifts to me. And I know that’s an obvious statement – I mean,  what is an American Smooth but a Foxtrot with lifts (don’t answer that, Artem, you loon); I suppose I mean that it had more pizzazz and dancing out of hold than your average Foxtrot, and it was all the better for it, because Nicky finally got the chance to show a bit of personality (and he busted out a Shane Filan appearance – nice timing, Nicky, good to see you playing the game, though I’d have saved him for Week 8). Nicky still needs to work on his dance faces – he only has one and it’s a sort of half-smile that makes him look vaguely amused but generally unengaged – and I will always always wish they had paired him with Kristina rather than with Karen, because a bit of Rihanoff glitter would have shown him in a much better light.

(Quick aside: here is how Nicky has placed week to week: Week 1 and 2 – joint last; Week 3 – 8th out of 13; Week 4 - joint 7th out of 12; Week 5 - 8th out of 11; Week 6 - joint 6th out of 10. He is improving week to week, but is still practically defining middle-of-the-road (I won't make the obvious Westlife joke) so he needs some kind of crazy breakthrough week if he’s ever to get out of the also-ran doldrums, and I don’t see that happening with Karen’s choreography. I’m quite sure he’s got the popular vote sewn up, but if he finds himself in the dance-off in the quarters, he doesn’t have the track record to stay in.)

Kimberley and Pasha
I don’t really like Viennese waltzes (I dare you to think of a memorable one. Go on, try it. OK, maybe Kara's. And Kelly Brook's) but I really loved this. I thought they had bags of chemistry and choreography that was pretty interesting as far as you can do that with the VW. Not in any way performed as well as Denise and James a week ago, but so much more charming. And then they landed in the bottom two. I am trying not to worry too much about this – we’re at the stage of the series where people are still trying to save the Hangers On With Personality (yes, Michael Vaughan, I am looking at you) and people think celebs like Kimberley are safe.  She had a right old meltdown after she was saved which surprised me, because I always thought she was tough as old boots. Good to show a bit of personality, Kimbo, because I think that’s what’s been missing so far. Even the presence of Cheryl Cole didn’t get her a vote bump, though that might have been because Chezza was more vocal in her support of Nicky Westlife than of her own bandmate. Not that I’m saying Girls Aloud all hate each other or anything.  No sir.

(Quick aside: What a BLAH song. Christina Perri can get lost, I reckon. The only other song I know of hers is Jar of Hearts which a) is crap and b) always reminds me of the bit in Coupling when Welsh Jeff is trying to chat up a lady and tells her that he doesn't have a bucket of ears but if he did, hers would be right at the top of the list to go in his ear bucket. In other words, I feel like it is the title of a song that a serial killer would write, if he or she were given to songwriting. And why wouldn’t he or she be? Everyone needs a hobby.)

Michael and Natalie
Look, this Salsa was total bollards, but he is so obviously trying so hard and has won over the public with all his effort and being charming and stuff, that it was good enough to get him enough a) supporter votes and b) pity votes to get him to next week.  Plus even though it was bollards it was still really enjoyable (sort of like the early days of Kenny Logan), and not just because of Natalie’s crazy skirt work. Good lifts too. He’ll be back in ballroom next week, and since he’s already done a waltz, a foxtrot and a quickstep, it’ll be tango or American Smooth. I’m betting Smooth – a chance to do more lifts at Wembley and keep him in for another week.

Lisa and Robin
Yeah. I quite liked it. It was nice and speedy, and she looked like she was having a ball, but against all expectation, I actually preferred Nicky’s Foxtrot, because this is all just getting a bit twee for me. Come on, Robin. Try something a bit different. I am still enjoying Lisa, though, and I hope she sticks around for a few weeks yet. I’m a bit worried about what dance she’ll get next week, though. It must surely be Latin because she’s had two ballrooms in a row, but as she’s already jived and cha cha’d, we’re facing down the possibility of a samba or (YE GODS) a rumba. More likely it will be a salsa, that’s my guess, but I am nervous, I won’t lie.

So there we have it. DVO top again. A shock drop for Kimbo to the bottom two. Fern out a week too late. And bloody Wembley next week. It could be the end for Richard, but I am crossing my fingers for Pendletears to finally reach the end of the track (see what I did there?)… See you next week!