Tuesday 23 October 2012

Let's talk about Strictly, yeah? Yes? OK?

This is not a recap, you guys. I can’t do those. They’re too difficult and I’d have to watch the bits with Bruce and Tess, and to be honest, why would you read my recaps when these guys and especially this guy do it so much better?

These are more like mutterings. Chunterings. Overthinkings. They’re going on the blog because I think I have exhausted even my most loyal other Strictly devotees with my theories and storylines and they’ve got to go somewhere. My brain needs to be cleared. My mind must be tidied.

So, my thoughts on the series so far with reference to specific couples and to specific dances where I can remember them, which basically means this week. Are we calling it Week 2? Week 3? I hate it when they don’t do an elimination in Week 1, it messes with my terminology, as well as letting cannon fodder needlessly off the hook. Let’s call it week 3, shall we?

Fern and Artem
Does anyone care? I don’t care. I don’t think the producers care either. They can’t give her an elegant older lady storyline because she’s not old enough and they had Jerry Hall for that, they can’t give her a weight loss storyline because she’s already done it in real life, they can’t give her a showmance even though it’s Artem, and they can’t give her the ITV morning presenter who can’t dance storyline because of Richard Arnold (though stand by for further thoughts on this) and also because she’s not that awful, though there was no Charleston in that Charleston, even from Artem. In conclusion, there will be no caring about Fern, and she’ll be out in a few weeks.

Victoria and Brendan
I was totally over Victoria way before the show even started, because the crying and the “I’m so competitive and it’s SO HARD not to be the best in the world at something” crap was always going to be too painful. Brendan looked so happy to get her as a partner and I just wanted to give him a hug and say, “Better luck next year, sunshine,” because I knew it was all going to go to utter crap. There were a number of ways this could go: Gabby Logan over-competitive and unpleasant; Tom Chambers have I mentioned that I’m in LOVE and there’s my FIANCE and isn’t it ROMANTIC; or Lisa Snowdon weepy insecure bullshit. Right now we’re headed for Snowdon with a sprinkling of Logan, with an added measure of overscoring because the producers are bricking it. I say a week 6 boot when the rest of the British public finally wakes up to the fact that an Olympic gold medal doesn’t automatically make you likeable or watchable.

(As a quick aside, is anyone else surprised Greg Rutherford isn’t doing this series? Possibly he is saving himself for Celebrity Great British Bake-Off. Do they do that yet?)

Michael and Natalie (can’t call her Nat, sorry. She could take my life with a glare. You don’t abbreviate someone like that)
I have strong feelings about Michael Vaughan, but most of them relate to his sports commentary rather than to his current Strictly stint. The problem with Vaughan is that he is trying so damned hard to be a Personality on Test Match Special and elsewhere that he is losing everything that in his early days of commentary made him so charming. Like being actually good at commentary, for example. And it’s all crossing over into Strictly as well, as he tries and tries to bust out funny anecdotes and one-liners and ignores his partner to do it, which makes him look crass and unlikeable. And his rubbish dancing means he only has a week or two of survival in him if he doesn’t try something else. Vaughan – you are not Tuffers. You are not Goughie. Natural, wacky charm is not in your wheelhouse. Work hard, be humble, be nice to Natalie and you might, MIGHT, make it to week 6.

Jerry and Anton
Jerry was always going to be toast in week 2 unless Anton could find a gimmick, because Jerry was always more Stephanie Beacham than Cherie Lunghi. Turns out even Anton has limits. Buh-bye, Jerry.

Sid and Ola
There is no greater pro dancer than Ola at making us vote for slightly ropey celebs. Chris Hollins won Strictly through the Power of the Pivot and his and Ola’s utter likeability throughout his series (well, that and the fact that it was probably the least talented and least recognisable Strictly cast ever). Hearts and Minds, that’s what Ola’s good at. She’s giving it a good go with Sid, I’ll give her that. Week 3 and she’s already busting out the lace catsuit, which gives significant insight into how rehearsals are going. Sadly he doesn’t have Hollins’ likeability or Savage’s bravado, so their only hope is to manufacture a Letitia Dean-style needy much-loved soap star turns from ugly duckling to swan situation. Ola’s fan-base might keep him in for a while, but I think the worm has turned on both Jordans, to be honest. Though it is possible that the worm is only me.

Pasha and Kimberly
I love Pasha. This is well-known. And most of all, I love a Pasha quickstep, so this was a good week for me. And obviously, and perhaps more importantly, for him and Kimberly. Kimberly ought to be a ringer, but she’s actually doing a very good job of not seeming like one. That doesn’t sound like a compliment, but I promise you it is. I think she’ll get to the final, provided Pasha can keep making her interesting, which she doesn’t do a particularly good job of on her own.

Denise and James
Dull. Dull dull dull. My hate for the male Jordan is well-documented – I don’t care how much the show tries to rehabilitate him with decent partners and comedy VTs, I think he’s unpleasant and a bit tacky and I hope he never wins. People are worried that he and Denise will win. They shouldn’t be. She is quite obviously the best, but the biggest ringer hasn’t won since series 2, because even though Saint Jill of Halfpenny was amazing, people only really let her win because it was only series 2 and we weren’t quite as alive to all the ringer-ness stuff back then. If it was nowadays it would be Denise Lewis all the way (except I’ve gone off her too, but that’s another story, and it’s only really because she was crap on the Olympics and I’ll like her again as soon as I watch this quickstep). The only other real ringer who has ever won was Tom Chambers, and that’s because there was a bigger ringer in the series (Rachel Stevens) so he was out-rung. Denise will be in the final because the dance-off will make it so, but she is going to have to bust out some serious storylines to get us voting for her because their “cheekiness” isn’t going to do it. Reality show love with Lee Mead? Being a mum and how hard it is to dance after that? Not very compelling, is it…

(Another aside: does anyone remember any of Strictly’s foxtrots? Any of them? I like to watch them, but they’re not terribly memorable. The only one leaping to mind is Tom and Camilla’s and that’s because they danced to one of my favourite Dolly Parton songs, so really it’s Dolly I’m remembering. Dolly, and Camilla’s rictus grin.)

Colin and Kristina
OH MY GOD HE NEVER BLOODY PLAYED JAMES BOND HE’S AN ACTOR WHO WAS IN, LIKE, ONE JAMES BOND FILM NOT AS JAMES BOND AND THEN MAINLY IS IN PERFECTLY NORMAL BRITISH TV SHOWS.

GOD.

Other than that, I am totally a fan and I reckon he might be a quarter-finalist at least.

Richard and Erin
ITV daytime TV presenter. He’s not bad, so he can’t go full Andrew Castle. But I fear the show is trying to make him Russell Grant. To be clear, I did not buy into the Russell Grant comedy crap any more than I bought into the Widdy-LOLZ. Please, please do not go down this route with poor Richard Arnold as well, show. I can’t bear it.

Dani and Vincent
They are going to go to the semis at least, these two, that’s what I reckon. She’s more Louisa Lytton than she is Rachel Stevens, which is good news for likeability and for memorability. Vincent deserves a win. Right now, I am on Team Them.

Lisa and Robin
I was a bit worried when this partnership got announced because I was concerned that Robin was just becoming a repository for the female dancer most in need of a confidence boost in life as well as in dance and Robin is totally your Gay Best Friend who Gives The BEST Hugs. Turns out Lisa is well cool and can dance like I don’t know what. I feel this might get a bit Russell Grant as well if we’re not careful – the jive was even camper than their Cha Cha, and I didn’t think that was physically possible – but she’s better than Russell ever was and dances with all the joy that he had, so I think they’ll be sticking around for a while.

Nicky and Karen
What an anonymous pair. They’ve done the new girl a favour and given her what they must have thought would have been a good partner with a high profile, giving her a chance to build a fanbase (even though I STILL don’t know why we needed a new dancer – I miss Katya and can only assume she was a ruddy nightmare backstage because how can this be better). Unfortunately, he is the least interesting man in Westlife (let’s just think about that for a moment – the least interesting man in WESTLIFE) and her only distinguishing characteristics at the moment are being a bit overly sexual with every dance move and looking exactly like Nicole Scherzinger. Only chance of survival beyond the next few weeks is some major VT and studio appearances from the recognisable ones from Westlife and probably an American Smooth to Flying Without Wings (because they can do lifts in that one, see? So she’d be flying? Without wings? Yeah?)

Louis and Flavia
Long-time fan of Flavia. Long-time fan of Louis Smith. I was worried this might be an “I’m super-competitive” storyline, and there’s definitely a bit of this going on, but he’s unlikely to be punished for it because he’s a man and being super-competitive makes him More of a Man rather than making him an Ice Queen Bitch like that Gabby Logan that time. But actually I think he might be more Ramps. He’s not super-rowdy in his VTs, he’s a sportsman who can move his hips, and the Latin dances totally bring him out of his shell. Flavia is overdue a win as much as Vincent is, and provided Louis busts out some serious ballroom, keeps doing amazing lifts, doesn’t bang on about his gold medal too much and smiles nicely for the ladies at home, this could be her year.

So there we have it. My couples for the later rounds are:

 - Flavia and Louis
 - Dani and Vincent
 - Pasha and Kimberly
 - Denise and James (but not because I like them. In case I wasn’t clear.) (I was probably clear)
 - Colin and Kristina
 - Lisa and Robin

Major bet-hedging going on here, but I think the top four here are obvious (as they usually are) and the next couple of places are still up for grabs… See you next week!

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