I've been away on holiday. Did you miss me? I tell you what I missed - Strictly. I literally missed it for three weeks but I've now well and truly caught up. I have a lot of thoughts. Here they are, when you have a couple of hours to spare:
1. The Booted Couples
Shilts and Erin. Poor Erin. They should have just sacked her like they wanted to at the end of the last series. The only old dancer allowed on the show is Anton because they've decided he's funny (sigh) and Erin is just tagging along now. Shilts was a hospital pass from the start and Erin knew it. Her face during that launch show was a picture.
Tina and Jared. Who cares? No really - who cares? She got an extra week due to chicken pox sympathy, but frankly it was ill-deserved. If he's back next year it is only due to possible showmance (though shurely this is made up?) although obviously that didn't save Brian.
Jimi and Flavia. Oh it's such a SHOCK, oh it's so SAD etc etc. To me? Not a shock and not at all sad. One more week of Jimi's relentless mugging for the camera and I was going to boot his face in. I though that quickstep was overly careful and a bit dull. Maybe they went a week or two early, but no more than that, so STOP BLEATING about it. Nobody likes a bad loser *cough* James Jordan *cough*.
2. Ann and Anton
OK. I have two things to say here and to some people's minds they might be contradictory, but I trust you to understand. Firstly, they have to leave this competition. I know, I know, it's an entertainment show, blah blah, but why they hell would I want to be entertained by Anton's mugging and Widdy's hopeless dancing and oh-so-funny battles with the judges when I could be entertained by some lovely dancing? I think what makes me feel worst about it is that I feel like I am watching Anton's Ghost of Christmas Future the whole time - his destiny is to cart ancient old bags around a dancefloor to earn pennies for gin. However, secondly, I think the world should SHUT UP about whether or not she should quit the show. No, she shouldn't. She might be awful, but the idiot public are voting for her, so why should she quit just to make them feel better about themselves? No. But please God, let her time have run out.
3. The Also-Rans
Michelle & Brendan. I have no feelings about them whatsoever. They're just making up the numbers at this point and will probably be next week's boot. It was lovely to see Ian Waite back though, even just for one week. Love him.
Felicity and Vincent. I fast-forwarded all their dances. If they went instead of Michelle and Brendan I wouldn't give too hoots. I am not sure they could be any more dull.
Patsy and Robin. That guy is so weird-looking. I honestly feel like he was built in a factory where they make the World's Strongest Man contestants, then accidentally made a bit camp with a passion for dance. The results make me very uncomfortable.
4. Sort of Also-Rans but sort of Not
Pamela and James. Once genuine contenders, now very obviously not due to a) the Latin factor b) the Jordan factor and c) the Pamela Shtick factor. The salsa was obviously a total one-off in terms of Pamela's Latinability. Jordan seemed likeable for two minutes and now is obviously unutterably awful again. Plus - how cheesy was that foxtrot? The lookback to camera at the end actually made me feel physically sick. And finally the shtick. We get it, Pam. You're a bit old! You're funny! You're married to Billy Connolly! Now shut up!
Gavin and Katya. I mean, look, yes, they're also-rans. Of course they are. But I sort of love them. Henson is such a self-obsessed dolt, I can't take my eyes off him.
5. Contenders
Kara and Artem. She's the best dancer on the show, basically. But she won't win, because she's an attractive woman who's not afraid of the fact that she's attractive. I predict a semi-final booting.
Scott and Natalie. I have always thought Scott was a bit ape-like, but he has been getting away with it so far because Natalie is amazing and can choreograph around it. But you can't choreograph a rumba for an ape. The question is, has this dodgy week ruined his chances? I think a lot rests for him on this next dance, because he doesn't quite have the likeability factor that saved Hollins every week if he stuffs it up again. Also, Len did him no favours with that nine, the pratt.
Matt and Aliona. My prediction, it seems, has come true. Matt is terrific, but Aliona's hopeless choreography with its endless over-complication is a) making him make mistakes and b) making him stressed and therefore a bit unlikeable. I think it's quite hard to maintain a chirpy Blue Peter demeanour if you're constantly under pressure from a crazy Russian. If she made the dances even a tiny bit simpler, he'd get tens all round. Madness.
6. The Professionals
Here is my take on who should stay, who should go, and who should never have gone etc.
Boot
Anton and Erin. It's time. But in fact they'll boot Erin and keep Anton and I will cry and cry.
Jared. He's about 12 years old. He can dance, but he can't choreograph, and he looks out of his depth.
Robin. I can't look at his face.
Aliona. If she doesn't win this year, surely a certain booting. I don't like her.
Jordan. Hate.
Christina. To quote Craig, cha-cha-chavvy.
The Pro-Dance Troupe. Everything they have done has been awful. They look like they rehearse for five minutes before going on, which I think perhaps is true. The pro dances that are done by the current competing professionals are just so much better - last week's foxtrot was gorgeous.
Keep
Katya. She's hilarious. If she'd been paired with Matt they would have been sure-fire winners.
Natalie. She's crazy, but her choreography is amazing.
Brendan. I know he needs to shut up, but when he really gets the chance to dance, he's terrific.
Vince and Flav. Obviously.
Ola. Can we keep her if we boot her awful husband? Is that allowed?
Bring them back
Ian Waite. Love him. Although he was awful in that rock 'n'roll dance. But then, who wasn't?
Lilia. I miss her. But I don't miss Darren, so WHAT DO I DO?
Cutler. Oh Cutler, how do I miss thee, let me count the ways... But on the subject of Cutler, how camp was that pro paso he choregraphed? It was the campest thing I've ever seen on SCD, and that is seriously saying something.
It is just possible that I overthink Strictly. A bit. Maybe.
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