Bloody Bastard Wembley Week

Yes, it's bloody Wembley week and I am WELL grumpy about it. Here is the list of dances[/running about]:

Victoria and Brendan - Paso Doble to ‘Bicycle Race’
Lisa and Robin - Samba to ‘Car Wash’
Kimberley & Pasha - Samba to ‘Livin La Vida Loca’
Michael and Natalie - American Smooth to ‘New York, New York’
Denise and James - Charleston to ‘Walk Like An Egyptian’
Louis and Flavia - American Smooth to ‘I Got a Woman’
Dani and Vincent - Quickstep to ‘You Can't Hurry Love’
Nicky and Karen - Jive to ‘Jailhouse Rock’
Richard and Erin - Salsa to 'Club Tropicana’

My immediate thoughts and fears:

1. TWO SAMBAS? TWO BLOODY SAMBAS? And this is the second year in a row that Pasha has had to do a bloody samba at bloody Wembley. Love a bit of Ricky Martin, though.
2. Shameless vote-getting song choice from Natalie. Bravo.
3. I am hoping for a new ballroom dance-face from Louis this week. I went off that waltz haughty face after I'd watched it *ahem* five or six times.
4. Only one quickstep! And it's the only dance that works on that giant dancefloor! Love the quickstep, love Dani and Vincent, love the song. Do I think I will love them all together? Not sure...
5. Jailhouse Rock feels a bit stately for a really exciting jive. I predict quite a lot of posing. Again.
6. VP's paso is going to be awful, I'm pretty sure. Brendan is hunting for votes with that song choice, but her stumbles and wobbles should render this a disaster. 
7. I think it's Richard's week to go, though. Salsa. Wham. It's going to be crazy levels of camp, and not in a good way. Soz, Richard - I'd have liked to see Victoria go first, but your number's up. (Which, of course, probably means it isn't).

Deep breath, you guys. See you on the other side.

StrictlyChat, Week 6, in which we nearly lose Pasha and all of Surbiton therefore quakes at the prospect of my wrath

So we should just take my grief and rage as a given this week, right? Something we should also take as a given: I have not a leg to stand on because I didn’t vote. And now I’ll have to. Congratulations, BBC. You win. Something else we should take as a given: I will never predict the week’s bootee correctly. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying. Let’s get to it, shall we?

The Presenters
Blatantly, we should just have Claudia doing Tess’s job every week, right? I mean, that’s not even a question. But I had a sort of dark vision of what it would be like with Claudia going slightly off the rails and Bruce being off his meds and I realised you can only have Claudia being Tess if Tess is Bruce, and then I got into a spiral of depression because I don’t want Tess or Bruce and then I ended up in a happy fantasy world where we had GRAHAM NORTON AND CLAUDIA and then I realised that would never happen and then I got sad. Still, bravo BBC for finally realising that Saturday evening TV presenting doesn’t have to be Old Bloke Plus Totty. Bet that’s the only “bravo” the BBC got this week (TOPICAL!).

Denise and James
Paso week for this pair, and having cruelly taunted us with the idea that James was injured and we’d get a week of the delightful Ian Waite (they tantalised us with that little glimpse of him with Claudia! So cruel!), instead we got another week of Jordan. Ugh. The way I am getting through these dances now is that I have decided that Denise hates James. Seriously: watch the VT from the results show when he crows about their score and she briefly looks like she wants him dead. It’s AMAZING.  So although I keep hating Jordan, I can now like Denise, which is definitely helping. Anyway, this was a whizzy, speedy paso along the lines of every Jordan paso, and if it felt a wee bit mechanical… Well, that’s Denise and James for you. No use complaining to me, I didn’t hire them.

(Quick aside: I genuinely still have not got over the fact that of the winners of the first six series, we only have one winning pro left. Brendan. I am all for new-brooming up the place from time to time, but that’s five series-winning pros kicked unceremoniously off the show, never mind my beloved Ian. And I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: three of them (Lilia, Matt, Karen) were some of the best choreographers the show had, and it really, really shows. I’ll bang on at length about choreography one day. Bet you can’t wait.)

Richard and Erin
Charleston. OK. What can you say about the Charleston, really? Did they look like they were having fun? Yes. Was it pretty fun to watch and quite charming? Yes. Does Richard have epic dance faces? Yes, though I don’t need to see them in slow-mo in bloody Len’s Lens, thanks very much: I will tell you one more time, show, he is NOT RUSSELL BLOODY GRANT. If they fire him out of a bloody cannon next week, or anything remotely similar, I am going to punch someone right in the head. Arse bongos though, Erin? Really? Playing any part of the human body as a musical instrument is an automatic two points off from me – it’s an act of desperation up there with Artem stripping off, but far less aesthetically pleasing (see Hardy/Rhodes, Rihanoff/Calzaghe). So, not bad as far as it went, but not up there with any of the Charlestons I’ve actually enjoyed (there aren’t many, and weirdly Aliona is in two of them, and I HATE her choreography for basically every other dance. Strange. Also, they've only been doing the Charleston since series 7 - I can't believe they're already reusing the same songs - DO BETTER, SHOW.)

Louis and Flavia
This was really good. Cheesy, and HATED the swing (YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT, FLAVIA), but it was a really, really good waltz. With lots of lovely heel leads! So what the chuffing hell was up with the judges’ scrap? My inner conspiracy theorist suggests that Louis hasn’t been doing that well in the popular vote (I do think he’s struggling to put his personality across, to be honest. I mean, maybe he hasn’t got one, but I think he has, it’s just in hiding because that’s what you do when you’re a professional athlete, unless you’re Pendletears) and they needed to manufacture some drama to get people backing him. My other theory is that Craig was just being a dick. You decide.

(Quick aside: Louis has MASSIVE HANDS.)

Fern and Artem
I really liked this Salsa – major step up from last week and Fern basically finally looked like she was enjoying herself and was moving at a pace faster than a snail. Artem deployed the chest again. She wouldn’t have been my pick to go home, so obviously she went home. I can’t really bring myself to be sad about it, because she actually went home a week later than she should have, so really this is just another episode in the Strictly tradition of being saved by pity/lust one week only to be booted the following week when you’ve just got your best score (see Rihanoff/Salmon, Simone/Kendal, Jordan/Savage and many many more). I shall pine for Artem, though. I imagine we’ll get lots of lots of pro dances from him, though, which will help.

(Quick aside: Can we talk briefly about Brendan and Natalie dancing to Violin Dude? Firstly: why the hell was he playing The Rose? As I have said before, it’s one thing that Bette Midler refuses to sing anything other than this or Wind Beneath My Wings any more, but must the habit spread to illustrious Violin Dudes? Secondly, how WEIRD was the bit where Natalie suddenly went all pouty and winky at the camera? It’s meant to be romantic, Natalie, you odd-bod, not suddenly weirdly slutty. I did not like it one little bit.)

(And another quick aside: I love a Flav/Vince tango, don't get me wrong, but do you remember when this was the group dance in Remembrance Sunday week? I liked that better.)  

Victoria and Brendan
She looked vaguely competent this week doing the Quickstep, mainly because Brendan had her in a vice-like grip and wasn’t bloody letting go. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone so thoroughly carted around the floor since the dark days of Widdy.  VP – you are an amazing cyclist. You are beautiful to look at. But I feel quite strongly that you can’t dance and it’s time for you to go home. All indications are that the producers want to keep her around, however, even if the judges are barely concealing their snarls under their overly-kind comments these days. I bet she gets a waltz at Wembley. I BET.

(Quick aside: OH GOD WEMBLEY. Last year was an absolute travesty. Watching celebs and pros alike sprint around the floor and then do a tiny dance then sprint again and do a tiny dance again and then running half a mile to get to the judges where they were told nothing of value and all the bloody CANNONS and SAVAGE DOING THRUSTING, oh God, oh God. Thank God I’m out next weekend and can fast-forward through anything that looks too horrendous when I get back drunk at 2am.)

Dani and Vincent
Loved this Tango SO MUCH. I do still have some issues with Dani’s arms and top line, which I don’t think are strong enough, but this was so quick and intricate and fab, with amazing sharp head movements which almost no celeb can do, and also had loads of personality, which was the thing that was always entirely absent from his tangos with Rachel Stevens, however whippy the footwork was. It’s pretty clear Pasha and Kimberley aren’t now going to be contenders (SOB) so I might have to reassign myself to these two. I hope they don’t screw her over with a Wembley Samba. A nice floor-covering Quickstep, that’s what we want. She’ll do a lovely Quickstep.

Nicky and Karen
I’ve got a bit stuck into these two over the last couple of weeks (by which I mean all I have said is BORING and YAWN) and I completely stand by those two words. Improvement this week, though. It was a Foxtrot, but it looked more like an American Smooth without lifts to me. And I know that’s an obvious statement – I mean,  what is an American Smooth but a Foxtrot with lifts (don’t answer that, Artem, you loon); I suppose I mean that it had more pizzazz and dancing out of hold than your average Foxtrot, and it was all the better for it, because Nicky finally got the chance to show a bit of personality (and he busted out a Shane Filan appearance – nice timing, Nicky, good to see you playing the game, though I’d have saved him for Week 8). Nicky still needs to work on his dance faces – he only has one and it’s a sort of half-smile that makes him look vaguely amused but generally unengaged – and I will always always wish they had paired him with Kristina rather than with Karen, because a bit of Rihanoff glitter would have shown him in a much better light.

(Quick aside: here is how Nicky has placed week to week: Week 1 and 2 – joint last; Week 3 – 8th out of 13; Week 4 - joint 7th out of 12; Week 5 - 8th out of 11; Week 6 - joint 6th out of 10. He is improving week to week, but is still practically defining middle-of-the-road (I won't make the obvious Westlife joke) so he needs some kind of crazy breakthrough week if he’s ever to get out of the also-ran doldrums, and I don’t see that happening with Karen’s choreography. I’m quite sure he’s got the popular vote sewn up, but if he finds himself in the dance-off in the quarters, he doesn’t have the track record to stay in.)

Kimberley and Pasha
I don’t really like Viennese waltzes (I dare you to think of a memorable one. Go on, try it. OK, maybe Kara's. And Kelly Brook's) but I really loved this. I thought they had bags of chemistry and choreography that was pretty interesting as far as you can do that with the VW. Not in any way performed as well as Denise and James a week ago, but so much more charming. And then they landed in the bottom two. I am trying not to worry too much about this – we’re at the stage of the series where people are still trying to save the Hangers On With Personality (yes, Michael Vaughan, I am looking at you) and people think celebs like Kimberley are safe.  She had a right old meltdown after she was saved which surprised me, because I always thought she was tough as old boots. Good to show a bit of personality, Kimbo, because I think that’s what’s been missing so far. Even the presence of Cheryl Cole didn’t get her a vote bump, though that might have been because Chezza was more vocal in her support of Nicky Westlife than of her own bandmate. Not that I’m saying Girls Aloud all hate each other or anything.  No sir.

(Quick aside: What a BLAH song. Christina Perri can get lost, I reckon. The only other song I know of hers is Jar of Hearts which a) is crap and b) always reminds me of the bit in Coupling when Welsh Jeff is trying to chat up a lady and tells her that he doesn't have a bucket of ears but if he did, hers would be right at the top of the list to go in his ear bucket. In other words, I feel like it is the title of a song that a serial killer would write, if he or she were given to songwriting. And why wouldn’t he or she be? Everyone needs a hobby.)

Michael and Natalie
Look, this Salsa was total bollards, but he is so obviously trying so hard and has won over the public with all his effort and being charming and stuff, that it was good enough to get him enough a) supporter votes and b) pity votes to get him to next week.  Plus even though it was bollards it was still really enjoyable (sort of like the early days of Kenny Logan), and not just because of Natalie’s crazy skirt work. Good lifts too. He’ll be back in ballroom next week, and since he’s already done a waltz, a foxtrot and a quickstep, it’ll be tango or American Smooth. I’m betting Smooth – a chance to do more lifts at Wembley and keep him in for another week.

Lisa and Robin
Yeah. I quite liked it. It was nice and speedy, and she looked like she was having a ball, but against all expectation, I actually preferred Nicky’s Foxtrot, because this is all just getting a bit twee for me. Come on, Robin. Try something a bit different. I am still enjoying Lisa, though, and I hope she sticks around for a few weeks yet. I’m a bit worried about what dance she’ll get next week, though. It must surely be Latin because she’s had two ballrooms in a row, but as she’s already jived and cha cha’d, we’re facing down the possibility of a samba or (YE GODS) a rumba. More likely it will be a salsa, that’s my guess, but I am nervous, I won’t lie.

So there we have it. DVO top again. A shock drop for Kimbo to the bottom two. Fern out a week too late. And bloody Wembley next week. It could be the end for Richard, but I am crossing my fingers for Pendletears to finally reach the end of the track (see what I did there?)… See you next week!

Hopes and Dreams for Week 6

Here are the dances this week, you guys, along with my hopes, dreams and fears (quite a lot of fears):

Dani and Vincent – Tango to ‘Rumour Has It’ by Adele
If we have to have an Adele song, I can forgive this one. Should be another stellar week for Dani - very hard to bugger up a tango (that phrase just unsettled me) when Vincent is your partner. I shall be (Technical Comment Klaxon) keeping an eye on her top line - her footwork is always fab, but her shoulders make me feel uncomfortable.

Denise and James - Paso to ‘Seven Nation Army’ by The White Stripes
I know what I think. You know what I think. Let's leave it there.

Fern and Artem - Salsa to ‘You’ll Be Mine (Party Time)’ by Gloria Estefan
As long as they keep this pacy, rather than moving at the treacle pace of their Smooth and Paso, I reckon this won't be bad. I don't think it's Fern's week to go. There. I said it.

Kimberley and Pasha - Viennese Waltz to ‘A Thousand Years’ by Christina Perri
Pretty pretty Kimberley and Pasha doing a pretty Viennese waltz. It won't be showstopping but it will sure as hell be nice to look at.

Louis and Flavia - Waltz to ‘Moon River’ by Andy Williams
What a boring choice of song. Looking forward to seeing Louis doing some proper ballroom though. I bet it's terrific, with just a few uncomfortable showmance overtones...

Lisa and Robin - Foxtrot to ‘This Could Be (An Everlasting Love)’ by Natalie Cole
Great choice of song. Just enough oomph to keep things moving, but still classic enough to make Robin choreograph a proper foxtrot. Looking forward to this.

Michael and Natalie - Salsa to ‘I Want You Back’ by The Jackson 5
Oh dear. I think Michael's main hope here is that Richard is worse than him.

Nicky and Karen - Foxtrot to ‘The Best Is Yet To Come’ by Michael Buble
I wish they'd picked something a bit less predictable to dance to, because with Lisa doing a foxtrot as well, they risk being a bit pallid in comparison. Having said that, I think Nicky is better suited to ballroom than to Latin so, you know, let's see.

Richard and Erin - Charleston to ‘Pencil Full Of Lead’ by Paolo Nutini
It's a personality dance, which is the only thing that gives him a chance, but having been in the bottom two twice, I think this might be curtains. Cheerful, good fun curtains. But curtains.

Victoria and Brendan - Quickstep to ‘Luck Be A Lady’ by Frank Sinatra
I worry that this will be another week of her concentrating so hard on her footwork that she fails to perform, and then forgets her footwork anyway. Might be a bottom two for Victoria this week, as long as Michael escapes total meltdown. About time too, some would say. And by "some", I think you all know that I am talking about me.

So there we have it. I would like Victoria to go, but I feel it will be Richard. And that's all, she wrote.

StrictlyChat, Week 5, in which Artem's boobs hypnotise a nation

Week five. Week five, people, and there is still SO MUCH CANNON FODDER.  And quite a lot of it escaped brutal death for another week while a more talented comrade fell. And now that I’ve kicked that metaphor into submission, let’s get into the detail.

Kimberley and Pasha
Quite a lot of posing and throwing the head around this week, but I still quite liked it, though this is possibly because I love Pasha enough to think everything he does is brilliant. What it did make me think, though, is this: where is this series’ really classic dance going to come from? You know, that one that makes you sit up a little bit straighter and say HANG ON THIS IS BRILLIANT and watch it back a lot and then get fed up by the time the Christmas Special is over because you’ve seen it, like, four times by now and actually now you come to think of it you never liked it that much in the first place.  It’s only Week Five, so I should probably relax a bit, but this could have been super-good, and it just made me think about Matt and Flavia and Ramps and Karen (fun fact  - Ramps and Karen’s salsa was week 5, so maybe it’s ok that I’m thinking about all this already) and then I felt a bit sad. But then I looked at Pasha again and I cheered right up.

Lisa and Robin
Good to see her do some ballroom, but I bloody said it would be the tango and I was totally right. Good effort, Lisa, good effort, but I wish Robin had gone a different route with this and slowed things right down for a hardcore dramatic tango, rather than this which was brightly coloured and had trumpets parping and still felt well camp. Surely a proper ballroom for Lisa next week – I hope it’s a nice gliding foxtrot or something, just to give us a week off from all this constant TA-DAHing. To be clear, I am not blaming Lisa for this. I still really like her. I just think it got one-note very quickly, and I think she’s as tired of it as I am – time for the judges to be able to talk about her dancing, not about her performing.

Richard and Erin
What’s to say, really? Major brain melt from Richard, but he just reacted in the absolute perfect way. He messed up, he knew it, he was funny about it but still looked like he cared, he didn’t cry and he didn’t beg, he just… dealt with it like a normal non-drama queen person (*cough* Matt di Angelo *cough*). If I were a voting woman (by which I mean before the final – I like to save it till it counts (as though it really ever counts)) I would have voted for him, and I have never busted out a pity vote in my life. He still wound up in the bottom two, which surprised me, but for some reason there are still enough people voting for Victoria, it turns out. Anyway, well done Richard Arnold, and I for one am glad you stayed. Something perky and cheerful for him next, I reckon, which should get him another week unless he buggers it up again. Even his charm can’t save him twice in a row.

Denise and James
It was good, there’s no doubt about that. It still managed to leave me cold, though, which I don’t really understand. I feel that, quite aside from my own personal dislike, they don’t seem to have really connected as a couple? Is that fair? Is that my imagination? Good scores, and pretty much deserved, but I still can’t get on board. By the way, did anyone watch ITT on Monday? Their behind-the-scenes stuff from the dress rehearsal had a lovely clip of James showing his true colours and snarling at Denise. It made me hate Jordan more and like Denise a bit, so IMAGINE MY JOY at the news that Jordan is injured this week and Ian Waite (HURRAH!) is taking over for the week. It will of course be doubly crushing when James comes back, but at least I can have a week off from my relentless hate. I want them to do a quickstep. I love an Ian Waite quickstep. Or a samba. I love an Ian Waite samba too. (I just love Ian Waite, let’s be honest.)

Victoria and Brendan
It was crap. It was crap AND she had a rehearsal woobie meltdown. Any normal year and she’d have been booted out unceremoniously and nobody would have missed her. She survived because we’re all still somehow hoping she’ll turn out to be good, despite all evidence to the contrary, and we’re all still a bit emosh about the Olympics, and nobody had ever heard of Colin Salmon, who never played James Bond. A pretty ballroom dance for her this week, surely. Waltz? Viennese? Or if the producers really want to bust out the big guns, an American Smooth. Otherwise, she could be toast.

Louis and Flavia
Enjoyable. And really, that’s pretty high praise for a samba on Strictly. It’s bloody hard to do, and if you don’t give it a good go, it’s deeply embarrassing both to perform and to watch (see above re Victoria). There are basically only three sambas ever on this show (that I can remember, anyway) which I have enjoyed: Ramps and Karen, Matt and Aliona, and Ian and Jade (loved her, by the way). I kind of wish Louis had got this dance later in the series, because by week 8 he would have been insanely good, instead of just enjoyable. Still the ones to beat though, no doubt about that. He is steely. Craig, incidentally, gave Louis the same score as he gave Victoria, which: WHAT?

Colin and Kristina
Oh well. They totally didn’t deserve to go home this week, but the man has no fan base, and they gave him the wrong partner, so there you have it. He sort of counts as a SHOCK EARLY BOOT, but he was kind of lucky to survive the last couple of weeks, so really he was just unlucky that he went out on a week where he actually danced quite well. The perils of the mid-table position… I very much enjoyed, by the way, him telling us all that he accepted his defeat “with grace”. As someone on Twitter rightly pointed out, if you tell people you’re doing something “with grace” you AUTOMATICALLY AREN’T. It’s like telling people you’re funny. If you have to tell them… (please take note, Van Outen). He was also profoundly pouty on BBC Breakfast this morning, falling into the “it’s just so hard when every comment is negative” trap, despite claiming on Sunday night that the judges were the experts. I would have missed you, Colin. Now I won’t.

(Couple of Kristina bonus moments this week, though. Did you know she and Pasha have known each other since they were kids? And in the behind-the-scenes stuff from Saturday, she cracked me up with a brilliant look to camera when she told Nicky Westlife everything about her was entirely real. I hope you get a good partner next year, Kristina. I kind of want you to win.)

Nicky and Karen
YAWN.

Fern and Artem and Artem’s chest
Shameless. Worked though, so who am I to criticise? Time for Fern to go home, though. A samba would probably do it, but the producers won’t go there yet.

Michael and Natalie
Good stuff, Vaughan. Perfectly nice foxtrot, nothing to get excited about, but that was more than enough to keep him safe this week. He’s got a salsa next week, apparently, which is going to be HORRIBLE, but I think there’s a distinct prospect that he’s built enough support through two weeks of TRIUMPH and BREAKTHROUGH, not to mention sheer hard work, which the British public loves, that he might just survive it, as long as he looks like he’s trying and is generally good-humoured about it. God, even as I’m typing this though, I’m not sure I’m right. Vaughan. Salsa. Natalie’s skirt-flinging misdirection is going to be insane, isn’t it?

Dani and Vincent
I slightly hate the producers for this massively obvious piece of scripting (Dani’s doing well, but not that well, she’s a tiny little person partnered with a tiny little person, we need to give her a breakthrough week so let’s give her the JIVE) but this really was fab. It felt really 1950s, with a bit of swing thrown in with the jive, which made it miles more interesting than most jives you see on the show. I don’t think it was quite up there with my favourites (Alesha (always overshadowed by her cha cha, but really good fun), Saint Jill obviously, Louisa) but it was the most enjoyable dance of the whole evening, and it made me happy.

(I am always haunted, by the way, by the Jive That Should Have Been, from Ramps and Karen. She, a jive world champion, went on and on all week about how jaw-dropping it was going to be. And then she made it really difficult and Ramps lost the beat, and it made me sad.)

Not much change in the main contenders and, let’s be honest, there really isn’t going to be, so let’s busy ourselves with considering who’s out next. I think it’s probably between Richard, Fern and Victoria, possibly with Vaughan in amongst it as well, and it will all depend on which dances they have. Floaty ballroom will save Victoria, Latin might sink Fern or Vaughan, and Richard needs a personality dance to get him through… See you next week!

Depressing predictability

Here's the list of dances this week on Strictly, everyone:


Colin & Kristina – Foxtrot to ‘Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive’ by Aretha Franklin
Dani & Vincent – Jive to ‘Dance With Me Tonight’ by Olly Murs
Denise & James - Viennese Waltz to ‘At Last’ by Etta James
Fern & Artem – Paso Doble to ‘Espana Cani’ by Ross Mitchell Orchestra
Kimberley & Pasha – Salsa to ‘Naughty Girl’ by Beyonce
Lisa & Robin – Tango to ‘Let’s Stick Together’ by Bryan Ferry
Louis & Flavia – Samba to ‘La Bomba’ by Ricky Martin
Michael & Natalie - Foxtrot to ‘(I Get the) Sweetest Feeling’ by Jackie Wilson
Nicky & Karen – Rumba to ‘I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing’ by Aerosmith
Richard & Erin – Foxtrot to ‘Big Spender’ by Shirley Bassey
Victoria & Brendan – Samba to ‘It’s Not Unusual’ by Tom Jones

Now, I don't want to say I told you so (this is a lie) but in Monday's StrictlyChat, I said a) Tango for Lisa and b) Foxtrot/Smooth for Colin. Oh, SHOW! WHY SO PREDICTABLE???

Other things on this list that were insanely predictable and that I therefore wish I had predicted just to prove it: more ballroom for Michael after last week's renaissance and a waltz for Denise to wipe away the memory of that horrible cha cha.

Two further thoughts:

 - I feel dirty already at the thought of Nicky and Karen's rumba. Might make a cup of tea at that point.

 - Fern and Artem for the chop. No way she survives the paso. NO WAY.

StrictlyChat, Week 4, in which I love Pasha again some more a lot but am mostly otherwise bored and cross

Shall we do some StrictlyChat, you guys? Weird experience this week. With the exception of about three dances, my overwhelming feeling was one of extreme boredom. Extreme. But then when they did the recap of the dances, I kept thinking, “Oh I liked that one. And that one. And that one.” So why was I so bored? It’s often a risk this early in the series – there’s too much rubbish still around and the judging is often painfully repetitive. But this was something more. I’ve always quite enjoyed Halloween week previously, despite the gimmicks, but we’ve only just had Hollywood week, so did we need another theme week? Couldn’t it just be Here is Some Dancing Week? I know they do this on Dancing with the Stars, but we are not Americans. We don’t need a theme every week. We will literally cope.

Anyway, here are my thoughts. A bit of change-around from last week, just so you know. (Not about everything. I still hate James Jordan. And in other news, the earth is still on its axis.)

Group Dance
You know the bit where they actually did Thriller and Pasha was at the front being awesome at it? They should have just done that.

Dani and Vincent
Quite liked this. I like them as a couple and the costumes were excellent and her feet move like the clappers. Her short arms freak me out a bit – is that wrong? But this is one of the dances this week that I should have loved and in fact just bored me. Possibly you just can’t make a cha cha interesting by year 10 of a show.  Can’t blame Vincent for that.

Richard and Erin
Erin busts out another mental paso. Nothing will ever match Austin Healey, and obvs Richard wasn’t trying to do so, but I love that even with someone with much less dance talent than Austin, Erin just goes bananas. I’m not saying it wasn’t a bit crap, but full marks for gusto. (I was still bored though.) I really like Richard, mind you. He has totally figured out how to get himself to the second half of the series – be likeable and humble and stuff, but STILL TRY TO DANCE and look like you give a shit. Hearts and minds, people. Hearts and minds.

(Quick aside, speaking of being bored, to say that I honestly never thought I would miss Alesha on the judging panel, but the truth is that Darcey is sucking the life out of things. Alesha talked rubbish and overscored everyone and never quite got it right, but at least she was a laugh. FIX IT, SHOW.)

Lisa and Robin
Hmmm. I enjoyed it, don’t get me wrong, but sloppy doesn’t even begin to cover it. I wonder if Robin didn’t overreach himself a bit on the choreography front this week – Lisa really couldn’t keep up. The real problem, though, is that it felt like we were seeing the same dance three weeks in a row and the judge and public backlash was almost tangible.  (My other problem here was that the styling just made me think: GROTBAGS. I’m not proud of it.) She’s going to have to have ballroom next week, surely, and she’s got some ground to make up. I don’t seriously think she’s in trouble yet, but next week will surely see at least one female celeb in the bottom two so she needs to do something a bit different to keep people interested. I think the producers want to keep her around for a bit, though, so if they have to give her ballroom I bet it’s a tango. Also, my worries that she is this year’s Russell Grant have not gone away – we know she can lift you, Robin, we know. Ha ha. Move on.

Sid and Ola
What’s to say here, really? Ola couldn’t train all week and turned up for the live show looking as though she couldn’t give less of a toss, and really, when your mum’s ill and Random Iveta choreographed your dance and your partner is Sid who always looks like he couldn’t give a toss until he gets criticised and then looks TOTES WOUNDED, looking like you couldn’t give less of a toss is basically inevitable. Anyway, they wore beige, danced beige, looked beige during the comments and were then eliminated. Beigely. Bye Sid. I won’t miss you.

(Random Iveta has now already killed two celebs this series. Anyone want to club together to get James Jordan a holiday and give Iveta to Denise for a week?)

(Strike that. It won’t work. She’ll get Ian Waite and then I’ll be forced to like her for a bit.)

Nicky and Karen
BORING.

Fern and Artem
Christ, watching this whole section of the show again is bloody torture. Was this the most staid, tedious American Smooth in history? Artem can’t wait to be booted off, you can see it in his eyes. Whither your crazy Black Swan choreo now, Artem? It’s dead, along with your enthusiasm. Fern for the bottom two next week, you guys. Fern and Colin, unless he busts out some masterful ballroom. And Fern to go home. She has to be the first lady out this year, or there ain’t no justice in the world.

(Edited to add: This should have said the first lady other than Jerry. Oops. Was I foxed by her having a man's name? Or had I blocked out her very existence? You decide.)

Denise and James
I thought this was a horrid, trashy little cha cha that was unpleasant to watch. She is not managing to come across as likeable at all and I stand by last week’s view that the only way she is making it to the final rounds is through the judges saving her. I am looking forward to her being in the bottom two with Pendletears one week, just so I can imagine the producers’ heads exploding. Also (Technical Comment Klaxon) her heels were much too high and her balance was off the whole time. DULL.

Michael and Natalie
Hurrah hurrah HURRAH! This was so good and so fun and it made the whole evening worthwhile. Bravo Michael Vaughan. Now, I don’t want to take all the credit (spot the deliberate lie) but I do just want to remind you all that my advice to Michael last week was: Work hard, be humble, be nice to Natalie. Combine that with Natalie’s usual stellar choreography work (she seriously works the accents in the music like nobody else) and Michael being in hold and not having to fake hip action and having naturally good posture, and this is what you get. He probably only has a few more weeks in him, but we’ll always have Halloween week, Michael. Amazing stuff.

Victoria and Brendan
No Pendletears this week, and for this small mercy I am grateful, but I just didn’t care. Not one little tiny bit. If she’s not crying, she’s entirely blank. DULL

Colin and Kristina
What an unbelievable disappointment. He was absolutely crap and she was overdancing it like mad in desperate compensation, which just made him look even worse. In some ways he was unlucky it wasn’t Fern in the bottom two instead of him, but Fern has a fan base while Colin (because he WASN’T ACTUALLY JAMES BOND) does not. I’m assuming he’ll have an American Smooth or a Foxtrot or something next week. Or he will if the producers care about keeping him in and frankly, at this stage, I am not sure why they would.

Louis and Flavia
One or both of them is going to have to get knocked down by a bus to lose it at this point, I am beginning to think. This was another really, really good night for these two – I mean, obviously the dancing was excellent, but what I loved was that Louis actually did all the character stuff as well, which is what is lifting him from Finalist to Victor territory. We might still have some wobbles along the way – he’ll have a week when he’s tired and gets a  bit crotchety, and I suspect one or two of the Latin dances might not bring out the best in him – but Flavia’s choreography usually stands up against allcomers until she gets into showdance territory, so I know where my money’s going. Mind you, if they get into a Showmance, things could be different. The Great British Public has put up with it twice from Flavia – third time could be very unlucky…

Kimberly and Pasha
You guys, I love Kimberly and Pasha. She is definitely the best Girl Aloud (though I do just want to say: Kimberly, no need to show us your midriff every week, we know the Tabz gave you a hard time about being the fattest one in the group but a) the rest were all unattractive Skinny Minnies and you are not and b) you lost a crapload of weight and we all know about it, you don’t need to show us every week) and though technically she’s not as good as Louis yet, her placing and shaping in this paso was amazing. Pasha’s choreography is really good too – he’s like Natalie in that he finds every accent in the music, which automatically makes his celeb look a minimum of three times better than she actually is (not to mention making a routine easier to dance). Loved it. Even though (or maybe because) Pasha looked a bit Teen Wolf.

My views about the top four remain the same:

• Louis and Flavia
• Kimberley and Pasha
• Dani and Vincent
• Denise and James (ugh)

Beyond that, though, I am genuinely baffled as to who will make it to the late stages and to whether I even care. The truth is that only two couples didn’t lose ground with me this week (Louis and Flavia and Kimberley and Pasha) and only Michael and Natalie gained ground, and that’s just a postponement of the inevitable so it doesn’t really count. In short, Show, MUST DO BETTER. See you next week!

Let's talk about Strictly, yeah? Yes? OK?

This is not a recap, you guys. I can’t do those. They’re too difficult and I’d have to watch the bits with Bruce and Tess, and to be honest, why would you read my recaps when these guys and especially this guy do it so much better?

These are more like mutterings. Chunterings. Overthinkings. They’re going on the blog because I think I have exhausted even my most loyal other Strictly devotees with my theories and storylines and they’ve got to go somewhere. My brain needs to be cleared. My mind must be tidied.

So, my thoughts on the series so far with reference to specific couples and to specific dances where I can remember them, which basically means this week. Are we calling it Week 2? Week 3? I hate it when they don’t do an elimination in Week 1, it messes with my terminology, as well as letting cannon fodder needlessly off the hook. Let’s call it week 3, shall we?

Fern and Artem
Does anyone care? I don’t care. I don’t think the producers care either. They can’t give her an elegant older lady storyline because she’s not old enough and they had Jerry Hall for that, they can’t give her a weight loss storyline because she’s already done it in real life, they can’t give her a showmance even though it’s Artem, and they can’t give her the ITV morning presenter who can’t dance storyline because of Richard Arnold (though stand by for further thoughts on this) and also because she’s not that awful, though there was no Charleston in that Charleston, even from Artem. In conclusion, there will be no caring about Fern, and she’ll be out in a few weeks.

Victoria and Brendan
I was totally over Victoria way before the show even started, because the crying and the “I’m so competitive and it’s SO HARD not to be the best in the world at something” crap was always going to be too painful. Brendan looked so happy to get her as a partner and I just wanted to give him a hug and say, “Better luck next year, sunshine,” because I knew it was all going to go to utter crap. There were a number of ways this could go: Gabby Logan over-competitive and unpleasant; Tom Chambers have I mentioned that I’m in LOVE and there’s my FIANCE and isn’t it ROMANTIC; or Lisa Snowdon weepy insecure bullshit. Right now we’re headed for Snowdon with a sprinkling of Logan, with an added measure of overscoring because the producers are bricking it. I say a week 6 boot when the rest of the British public finally wakes up to the fact that an Olympic gold medal doesn’t automatically make you likeable or watchable.

(As a quick aside, is anyone else surprised Greg Rutherford isn’t doing this series? Possibly he is saving himself for Celebrity Great British Bake-Off. Do they do that yet?)

Michael and Natalie (can’t call her Nat, sorry. She could take my life with a glare. You don’t abbreviate someone like that)
I have strong feelings about Michael Vaughan, but most of them relate to his sports commentary rather than to his current Strictly stint. The problem with Vaughan is that he is trying so damned hard to be a Personality on Test Match Special and elsewhere that he is losing everything that in his early days of commentary made him so charming. Like being actually good at commentary, for example. And it’s all crossing over into Strictly as well, as he tries and tries to bust out funny anecdotes and one-liners and ignores his partner to do it, which makes him look crass and unlikeable. And his rubbish dancing means he only has a week or two of survival in him if he doesn’t try something else. Vaughan – you are not Tuffers. You are not Goughie. Natural, wacky charm is not in your wheelhouse. Work hard, be humble, be nice to Natalie and you might, MIGHT, make it to week 6.

Jerry and Anton
Jerry was always going to be toast in week 2 unless Anton could find a gimmick, because Jerry was always more Stephanie Beacham than Cherie Lunghi. Turns out even Anton has limits. Buh-bye, Jerry.

Sid and Ola
There is no greater pro dancer than Ola at making us vote for slightly ropey celebs. Chris Hollins won Strictly through the Power of the Pivot and his and Ola’s utter likeability throughout his series (well, that and the fact that it was probably the least talented and least recognisable Strictly cast ever). Hearts and Minds, that’s what Ola’s good at. She’s giving it a good go with Sid, I’ll give her that. Week 3 and she’s already busting out the lace catsuit, which gives significant insight into how rehearsals are going. Sadly he doesn’t have Hollins’ likeability or Savage’s bravado, so their only hope is to manufacture a Letitia Dean-style needy much-loved soap star turns from ugly duckling to swan situation. Ola’s fan-base might keep him in for a while, but I think the worm has turned on both Jordans, to be honest. Though it is possible that the worm is only me.

Pasha and Kimberly
I love Pasha. This is well-known. And most of all, I love a Pasha quickstep, so this was a good week for me. And obviously, and perhaps more importantly, for him and Kimberly. Kimberly ought to be a ringer, but she’s actually doing a very good job of not seeming like one. That doesn’t sound like a compliment, but I promise you it is. I think she’ll get to the final, provided Pasha can keep making her interesting, which she doesn’t do a particularly good job of on her own.

Denise and James
Dull. Dull dull dull. My hate for the male Jordan is well-documented – I don’t care how much the show tries to rehabilitate him with decent partners and comedy VTs, I think he’s unpleasant and a bit tacky and I hope he never wins. People are worried that he and Denise will win. They shouldn’t be. She is quite obviously the best, but the biggest ringer hasn’t won since series 2, because even though Saint Jill of Halfpenny was amazing, people only really let her win because it was only series 2 and we weren’t quite as alive to all the ringer-ness stuff back then. If it was nowadays it would be Denise Lewis all the way (except I’ve gone off her too, but that’s another story, and it’s only really because she was crap on the Olympics and I’ll like her again as soon as I watch this quickstep). The only other real ringer who has ever won was Tom Chambers, and that’s because there was a bigger ringer in the series (Rachel Stevens) so he was out-rung. Denise will be in the final because the dance-off will make it so, but she is going to have to bust out some serious storylines to get us voting for her because their “cheekiness” isn’t going to do it. Reality show love with Lee Mead? Being a mum and how hard it is to dance after that? Not very compelling, is it…

(Another aside: does anyone remember any of Strictly’s foxtrots? Any of them? I like to watch them, but they’re not terribly memorable. The only one leaping to mind is Tom and Camilla’s and that’s because they danced to one of my favourite Dolly Parton songs, so really it’s Dolly I’m remembering. Dolly, and Camilla’s rictus grin.)

Colin and Kristina
OH MY GOD HE NEVER BLOODY PLAYED JAMES BOND HE’S AN ACTOR WHO WAS IN, LIKE, ONE JAMES BOND FILM NOT AS JAMES BOND AND THEN MAINLY IS IN PERFECTLY NORMAL BRITISH TV SHOWS.

GOD.

Other than that, I am totally a fan and I reckon he might be a quarter-finalist at least.

Richard and Erin
ITV daytime TV presenter. He’s not bad, so he can’t go full Andrew Castle. But I fear the show is trying to make him Russell Grant. To be clear, I did not buy into the Russell Grant comedy crap any more than I bought into the Widdy-LOLZ. Please, please do not go down this route with poor Richard Arnold as well, show. I can’t bear it.

Dani and Vincent
They are going to go to the semis at least, these two, that’s what I reckon. She’s more Louisa Lytton than she is Rachel Stevens, which is good news for likeability and for memorability. Vincent deserves a win. Right now, I am on Team Them.

Lisa and Robin
I was a bit worried when this partnership got announced because I was concerned that Robin was just becoming a repository for the female dancer most in need of a confidence boost in life as well as in dance and Robin is totally your Gay Best Friend who Gives The BEST Hugs. Turns out Lisa is well cool and can dance like I don’t know what. I feel this might get a bit Russell Grant as well if we’re not careful – the jive was even camper than their Cha Cha, and I didn’t think that was physically possible – but she’s better than Russell ever was and dances with all the joy that he had, so I think they’ll be sticking around for a while.

Nicky and Karen
What an anonymous pair. They’ve done the new girl a favour and given her what they must have thought would have been a good partner with a high profile, giving her a chance to build a fanbase (even though I STILL don’t know why we needed a new dancer – I miss Katya and can only assume she was a ruddy nightmare backstage because how can this be better). Unfortunately, he is the least interesting man in Westlife (let’s just think about that for a moment – the least interesting man in WESTLIFE) and her only distinguishing characteristics at the moment are being a bit overly sexual with every dance move and looking exactly like Nicole Scherzinger. Only chance of survival beyond the next few weeks is some major VT and studio appearances from the recognisable ones from Westlife and probably an American Smooth to Flying Without Wings (because they can do lifts in that one, see? So she’d be flying? Without wings? Yeah?)

Louis and Flavia
Long-time fan of Flavia. Long-time fan of Louis Smith. I was worried this might be an “I’m super-competitive” storyline, and there’s definitely a bit of this going on, but he’s unlikely to be punished for it because he’s a man and being super-competitive makes him More of a Man rather than making him an Ice Queen Bitch like that Gabby Logan that time. But actually I think he might be more Ramps. He’s not super-rowdy in his VTs, he’s a sportsman who can move his hips, and the Latin dances totally bring him out of his shell. Flavia is overdue a win as much as Vincent is, and provided Louis busts out some serious ballroom, keeps doing amazing lifts, doesn’t bang on about his gold medal too much and smiles nicely for the ladies at home, this could be her year.

So there we have it. My couples for the later rounds are:

 - Flavia and Louis
 - Dani and Vincent
 - Pasha and Kimberly
 - Denise and James (but not because I like them. In case I wasn’t clear.) (I was probably clear)
 - Colin and Kristina
 - Lisa and Robin

Major bet-hedging going on here, but I think the top four here are obvious (as they usually are) and the next couple of places are still up for grabs… See you next week!